Archive for January 4th, 2006

Dear McAfee

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006

Dear McAfee –

Please kiss my shiny white ass. The suckage of your product is only surpassed by your online chat, where your employees spell kwality with a capital K.

My laptop came with a “subscription” to your products, which turned out to be a 90 day trial. When that expired – without notice – your “account” page prompted me to buy a new subscription for the princely sum of $168.00. Not being a moron, I declined this rare opportunity to pay many times more than retail.

I purchased your product because it was the least expensive of the pack. Now I know why. When installed, your product refuses to update. The process, when not being blown up by 500 server errors, asks me to enable cookies on my browser. Even when cookies are already enabled.

I contacted your online chat support. I take it you define “support” rather loosely. After waiting 20 minutes (your chat window estimated that at two), I was connected to an agent who continuously proved he was barely glancing at my responses by repeating questions that I had just answered.

Me: “I get a page that tells me to enable cookies, even though cookies are already enabled.”
Him: “Do you have cookies enabled on your browser?”

I mean, really. Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a conversation like this an not be an asshole? I almost pulled a muscle trying to be polite.

After half an hour of chatting, his advice was to enable cookies (already done), and make sure that IE was my default browser (also already done). Then he said I should restart my computer. Knowing that we were past the 8pm CT cutoff for contacting online chat support, I performed the procedure on my second computer so I would not lose my connection to your service department. Seeing that I was not so easily shaken loose, your support person then came up with the most brilliant of all responses to the problem we had been discussing for almost 40 minutes:

“We are aware of this temporary problem. Please try your download again in a few hours. If that doesn’t fix the problem, feel free to contact us again for help.”

If this was a “temporary problem”, of which you were aware, they why in the name of all that is holy didn’t this brilliant piece of humanity tell me this at the beginning of the conversation?? I realize it was the end of his shift and he wanted to go home, but that’s no reason to give me bullshit advice just to get me off the line.

So tomorrow I will once again log on to your chat support site. Once again I will wait for an available customer service agent, hoping that I can connect before my clothes go out of style. And once again I will take way too much of my time to explain what I’ve already done, and that things aren’t working. Hopefully this time I will be able to get someone who give three-tenths of a fuck about their job and who can help me get your fucknut product to actually work.

Distastefully Yours –